Stand-up & Be Recounted: Paul Kerensa

Blogging elsewhere from now on...

If you read my blog here, on lastminuteliving.com, please note this site is closing down on Feb 21st.

But I also post my blog identically in 3 other places...

- On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=791005194&ref=wpb
- On Chortle: http://blogs.chortle.co.uk/paul_kerensa
- On Myspace: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=111266471

The Chortle one also features an option to see an amalgamated blog of lots of comedians' blogs.

And if you want to subscribe to the blog, either of these two links should do the trick...

- For Myspace: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ConfirmSubscribe&friendID=111266471
- For Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/feeds/notes.php?id=791005194&viewer=791005194&key=1ccf332940&format=rss20

Thanks lastminuteliving.com! You got me blogging in the first place.

So, dear reader, come read it elsewhere...

The Charlotte Bronte Code

Am I reading too much into Jane Eyre? I say 'reading' - 'viewing'. I'm reading a book called The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde, which is a good and funny book but revolves largely around characters leaping in and out of the book Jane Eyre, which I haven't read. So I rented the TV series, just as the teenage version of myself used to do for English Lit essays and exams (but only if the York Notes weren't available).

Anyway, early on, Jane Eyre meets a friend in an orphange type place, called Helen. Helen doesn't appear much in the TV version - pretty much the only thing she says is something like: "Well Jane, girls who behave go to heaven, and those who misbehave will go to hell. And it's up to us to last long enough in this life to reach adulthood, so that we can prove ourselves worthy and good people." Something like that, but with a few more 'verily's I imagine. Then Helen dies. Jane grows up, still fondly looking toward Helen's tombstone, which reads 'Helen Burns'. Now for a start that's not a good surname for the tombstone of someone who questioned which way they were going as they walked towards the light. Plus if read it syllabically backwards, 'Helen Burns' becomes 'Burns In Hell'. Not nice, granted. Am I reading too much into this? Is this a hidden message from Charlotte Bronte? Can I track the Holy Grail from this clue? Or am I just a slightly aspergersish wordplay fanatic who reads too much into things? Yes, that's it, yes.

In other news...

- I did a curry and comedy night on Saturday in Surbiton, and the fella I was sat next to - a charming, slightly stocky but very sweet-natured Nigerian fortysomething - turned out to be an Olympic gold-medallist. I've never had dinner with a gold-medallist before. It was quite exciting. He won a gold at Barcelona '92 for heavyweight boxing. He's the heavyweight boxing champion of Nigeria, and the former heavyweight boxing champion of Africa. That's a whole continent. That's quite cool. We should send him to Mugabe - he'd sort him out. Anyway, he doesn't box any more, cos his wife thinks it's a bit violent. Well of course it is. He punches other men professionally. Anyway, he's a gent, and very cool. And I'm not just saying that cos he could bit 7 tonnes of crap out of me.

- Part of my meal last night - up here at Leicester Comedy Festival, from where I write - included jalapenos and chillis. Which were, I'm afraid to say, not evenly distributed around the food. So I moved the jalapenos myself, by hand. Then I realised it was quite late and rubbed my eyes. And my, that hurt. But at first I thought they were aching with tiredness, so I rubbed them some more, really hard. Then screamed with pain. So the lesson here is: there's no 'i' in jalapenos, and equally there should not be jalapenos in your eye. (Yeah, definitely the 'slightly aspergersish wordplay fanatic'...)

Leicester Comedy Festival - be my audient

A shameless plug. Short notice I know, but I'm lax.

I'm doing last year's Edinburgh show - an hour's stand-up/multimedia powerpoint comedy thing about the book of Genesis - at the Leicester Comedy Festival on just one more date: Sun 10th Feb. It's the only date I have in the diary to do the Genesis show, so it could be the last chance ever to see it! (This is probably not the case, but for publicity reasons, let us pretend it is.)

Here are the details:

Sunday 10th Feb
Venue: Sparkenhoe Ark Theatre
Entry: £5.00
Doors: 6.00.pm
Start: 7.00.pm
End: 8.00.pm

Paul Kerensa's Genesis is a stand-up comedy whistle-stop tour of the Bible's opening chapter: from Adam’s fig leaf to Joseph’s dreamcoat, via Sodom’s crotchless pants. First of sixty-six annual shows (next year, Exodus). Contains some Phil Collins. **** Chortle, **** Three Weeks, “Ingenious” Evening Standard.

The same details can be seen in a different order on a website here:
http://www.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/show.php?event_id=249&showdate=2008-02-10

and tickets are available here:
http://www.ticketweb.co.uk/user/region=gb_midlands&query=detail&event=250348

and/or here:

Tickets for Paul Kerensa: Genesis @ Leicester Ark Theatre.

I'm also doing two other shows that day - compering a daytime benefit gig for a mental health charity, and then a very unusual one in the evening at Hotel de Comedie, which is a gig whereby the acts greet the audience in our actual hotel rooms where we're staying, and we do the entire gig there. I think it's meant to be kooky, with us mucking around with hotel stuff. Though in my case, I'm inclined to do it wrapped up under the sheets, or maybe from in the bath. Heck, if I'm getting the rare chance to do a gig without leaving the hotel room, I'm going to make the most of it.

Do come to the Genesis show if you're nearish Leicester. I will welcome you with open arms and may even reward you with booze.

The time I met Beadle

So Beadle's not about. I am genuinely sad - he was a very clever and interesting man. I've got several of his books, and his radio shows years ago were legendary for their ingenuity. He once had 100s of Londoners racing across the capital in search of mysterious treasure that didn't exist, because he kept playing sound effects of bits of London, as if he was out and about, and would give a clue to his next location (of course he was in the studio all the time).

I met him once - I used to do a weekly guest spot on BBC Radio Berkshire, talking about the news and generally trying to be genial to the M4 corridor listenership. Henry Kelly usually hosted, but one week he was ill, so Jeremy Beadle stood in for him. He was a lovely chap, and was particularly interested that I was about to write for The News Quiz. He's a bit of a quiz expert, and in this obits you might have read, where it says he raised £100m for charity, that was through his celebrity quiz nights he'd regularly do for the charity. So he tipped me off that the perfect quiz question to pose should be 7 words long and contain one very and two nouns. Useful to know.

One unusual thing happened when I met Beadle - and I mean this in the greatest of respect... First of all, yes, I shook the hand. What was unusual was that when we went into the studio for the broadcast, the studio engineer had no arms, being an unfortunate victim of the thalidomide drug. So there were 3 of us in the studio, and the average number of full-size working hands was one each. Jeremy admitted he hadn't done radio in a few years, so was a little nervous, and when he was about to go live, pushed back on his chair, unplugging his headphones, and also entangling his good arm in the lead. With about 5 seconds till broadcast, we all looked at each other, and although it's the studio engineer's job, and although Jeremy was the one to unplug himself, I volunteered to plug him in again, given that I felt my two standard hands made me most qualified for the task. Not a word was said, and we continued with the show.

JB was an excellent interviewer too - normally Henry Kelly would let me coast along with pre-prepared material slotted into comments on the day's news. But not Beadle. He'd force me to leave my comfort-zone by not asking for amusing comments about the royals or something that I was bound to have stuff on. Instead he'd suddenly ask, "So Paul, tell me, what scares you about the news today?" or "Tell me something that excites you about events in the last week?" He made me think on my feet, and I think great radio came of it. I rediscovered in my head stories, anecdotes and opinions that I'd forgotten were there. Well done, Beadle, and a lovely fella to boot.

God bless ya, Beadle. I'm sure you're up there right now, with an extra-bushy fake beard, pretending to be 'Beadle the Angel' as you drop St Peter's Ford Escort into a river with a clumsy winch.

Networking is not working

An enjoyable evening, which could have gone either way - Storytellers Club followed by a BBC party thing. Storytellers Club intimidated me a little cos I'm most comfortable telling made-up jokes, but it was a lovely club, a lovely audience, and I made the most of it by telling a true story about a time I went to Holland to meet a young lady. Anyway, I stitched about 4 stories together, and I reckon I've got a few bits I can crowbar into this year's Edinburgh show, so I'm chuffed with that.

Then dropped in on the way home to a BBC launch do, plugging a new live night they're doing. And it was nice in that there were lots of people I knew there from different places - a guy from uni, comedians from the circuit, various producers I'd worked with on different things, some writers I holed up with for a week a couple of years ago, some actors I'd written something for once, a good three or four people I've know idea how I met...

And yet I felt that odd conflict over writer/comedian. Because...

Writers, some writers at least, seem to relish meeting up, because writing can be such a lonely job. So it can be nice to catch up, bond, gossip, moan, etc. But...

Comedians, some comedians at least, don't like networking or hobnobbing - it's a bit too 'industry' for comics, who seem to just stick to people they know.

I still can't decide which I'm more of, so given that I'm a 50/50 split of writer/comedian, I found myself last night relishing the chance to be there, and then finding I didn't want to network. Paul the writer really enjoyed himself; Paul the comedian was socially awkward from the minute he got there and kept trying to leave, until Paul the writer convinced him to stay. (I should say at this point that I haven't got a split personality, and neither have I.)

Him off the Boosh, and other BBC3 new things

Save The Rhino gig at The Comedy Store last night. I think it was actually a gig for someone called Dave The Rhino, but they spelt it wrong. A fine bill it was, present company excluded - Adam Buxton, Tom Basden, Dan Clark, Jack Whitehall, Vicky Frango, John Fothergill, and headlining Noel Fielding from The Mighty Boosh. What was odd about seeing him there was the way it crossed from comedy to rock 'n' roll. The front two rows were full of teenage girls, who went all gooey whenever he happened to mention the words 'genitalia' or 'naked'. Noel backstage related how at the Boosh's gig at Brixton Academy, a TV exec noted the same thing, telling him it was akin to Beatlemania. Noel said to her, "Great - so does this mean I can make a programme with you?" "No," she replied. Fickle, telly.

Speaking of which, I notice on www.chortle.co.uk today the new BBC3 line-up is announced. They mention 5 new shows (Trexx 'n' Flipside, Scallywagga, The Wrong Door, The Wall, Coming of Age), and it's satisfying to know that I've been involved in writing, rewriting or script-editing 3 of those 5 (the 1st three listed above). Trexx 'n' Flipside is a sitcom about two rappers, Scallywagga is sketch show set in the north, and The Wrong Door (which will probably change its title) is a CGI-based sketch show. You can see why they asked me - I'm a hiphop expert, I'm from the north, and I'm partly computer-generated. Oh no that's right, I'm none of those things. Anyway, them three all have Kerensic jokes hidden in them somewhere. So if the new season on BBC3 is rubbish... well then don't blame me cos it was probably the actors mucking it up. If it's good though, then remember, you read it here first.

Ballet, and the lost art of conversation stays lost

Bizarre day, when the only words you say to anyone all day are the 30 minutes you're on stage. I worked from home, writing, didn't speak to anyone on the phone, my housemates were out. I drove to Clacton-on-Sea - a long old way, did the gig, battling with a 43rd birthday most of it. Then drove home, got in, and just saw my housemate for about two minutes during which she told me how her day was, and when I started to tell her how my day was, she just went to bed. How frustrating. Grr to her.

So instead, dear blog-reader, I shall tell you how my day was. Except I won't, cos my wireless router thing isn't connecting to the internet, so I'll have to write it offline and post it tomorrow. Nice, this conversation lark. It's good to talk.

Well I won't tell you how my day was - I'll tell you instead how my yesternight was, for I went to the ballet for the first time. Twas the Royal Opera House doing The Nutcracker. And what an introduction to the artform it was. If you're going to do something, do it properly, I say. And they certainly did. Now I'm now ballet enthusiast, so the sum total of my review is really that they could all do the tip-toes thing, so 10/10 for that. One of them in particular, playing The Sugarplum Fairy, was very good, by which I mean very bendy and could do the splits on point, and could do lots of spinny things, many many times in a row, and she didn't fall over or wobble or anything. I was well impressed.

It was great to see something with a live orchestra, and equally great to see that the musicians all wore tuxes. Less impressive was that the bloke next to me was clearly some kind of autistic trainee conductor, cos all the through the entire two acts he was waving his arms around like he was swatting wasps, rocking his chair back and forward, humming bits, breathing loudly, laughing at bits that weren't funny (but were I'm sure were musically hilarious) and generally being very distracting in my eye-line. I, being English, said nothing. But boy did I want to lamp him one.

So, a refined evening out. Not my cup of tea, if I'm honest. Twas interesting to do, and I could admire the diligence of the dancers, the wonderful music and the amazing set, but for me I found it difficult to make all these things converge into a show. I didn't really follow the story (although that isn't really the point), and I found myself more looking at the orchestra than at the stage. But most importantly, Zoe enjoyed it, so job done there. It was part of her Christmas present. The other part was goldfish. And unlike the ballet, I could watch the goldfish for hours, without wanting to punch the person next to me for tapping his hand in time to their swimming.

There, I'm glad I got all this off my chest. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a conversation with someone. That would be nice. Call me. (Is that as sad as it sounds?)

Flares and Lasers

I haven't blogged in a week. Partly because I've been too busy to blog, but also cos I haven't been doing anything interesting enough to blog about. Which makes me wonder what I've been so busy with.

Well over the last two days I was busy doing some ageing, and I was very successful at it - in fact I turned from being 28 to being 29 in just one day. Fascinating. Because I'm clinging to my 20s now, I thought I'd have a retrospective birthday this year. Which sounds artsy and arsey, but in fact means two things - 70s night and Laserquest. They were both great - I had every cocktail Flares offered, and I was middle-to-rubbish at Laserquest - but I do now have slightly aching limbs, as I have neither been clubbing nor run around a dark room shooting lasers in nearly a decade. I have decided that in my ongoing search for a form of exercise I actually enjoy, I might try and go to Laserquest more often, cos it's a goodish work-out (40min of running around keeping your wits about you - not too strenuous but we all broke a sweat).

I do now have another form of exercise open to me, as the young-hot-ball-and-chain bought me a bike for my birthday. What a fab pressie. She calls my old bike 'the boneshaker', cos it's 10 years old and made when bikes weighed a ton. You feel every bump in the road, and uphill is a struggle, for even the more seasoned of bike-riders. But no more. I now have a pretty darned swish up-to-date brand new bike. I spose I'd better ride it now. Equally I asked for some teach-yourself-guitar books for Christmas, which I duly received (thank you!), so of course now I have to go through with it, and actually learn guitar. Something I've wanted to do, but once you get the books as a present, you've got to really do it, haven't you? So tomorrow I shall be seen through the streets of Guildford, cycling while strumming a 6-string.

The Unstoppable Tim Vine

Our first 'proper' night at The Stoke pub comedy night, and I feel it was a veritable success. Sold out, plus a bit, so that's about 160 audients. I am knackered now - it takes a heck of a lot to run a gig, it seems. Much easier to just turn up, do 20min of jokes, and go home again. But it's worth it I reckon. We had Stuart Goldsmith, who was fab, and popular among the ladies, twould seem. Jenny Lockyer in the middle did some very sweet songs, and clearly went down well cos she sold all her CDs. Check out myspace page for some of her songs. They're the sort that are funny if you listen to the lyrics, but equally just nice to listen to. Aw.

And Tim Vine headlined - meant to do 20min, and he did well over an hour. So I had the dilemma of whether to flash a light at him to summon him off-stage, even though I wanted him to stay up there. So I did, but thankfully he ignored it. But he only ignored it cos I was shining my phone at him, which generally seems to be the modern way of luring an act off-stage. But of course Tim doesn't do the circuit much, so didn't know this. He expected an old-fashioned flash of the venue lights. Anyways, twas a fun one. I shall now sleep for a month, whereupon we'll do it all over again with some different acts.

And a quick plug - I'm on Radio 4 in half an hour, 6:30pm, on 28 Acts in 28 Minutes. I'm number 18. Also on it are Arthur Smith, Marcus Brigstocke, Jimmy Cricket, and 24 others. Or you can listen again on the Radio 4 website, if, as I presume, you read this blog at some other time than within half an hour of me posting it...

2007 in review

I shall be seeing in 2008 sober, thanks to one drink too many on December 29th. Whoops. So just enough time for a brief look back to the year that was '007...

My own personal highlights would include going to the British Comedy Awards - didn't win but it was still great to go. Plus on the same note, hearing about the RTS award and the Rose d'Or for the same show, although I didn't get to go to those dos alas. Though to be fair to them, they had lots of ad execs and sponsors to fit in, some of whom may have at some point seen at least one of the shows nominated. Rant over. For this is about the positive...

Filming with the Delorean was an ace day - racing around all over St Alban's, filming stand-up bits with me dressed as Marty McFly, driving the Delorean, with flames coming out the back, smoke effects, dry ice, etc etc. Sounds great? Well the producer of Comedy Cuts didn't think so - so the show it was filmed for has cut it. You will never see it. But I had a great time doing it, so there.

A highlight I have to mention is the mere purchase of a DVR - basically Sky Plus for people without Sky. It's totally changed how I watch telly, and it's great.

And back on a professional note, my fave gig of the year was going the Genesis show at Greenbelt festival in Cheltenham - 500 people, I think, and they all got the jokes. Twas lovely. And in the realm of writing, it's been a great year for the fact that I've become a 5-day-a-week writer (much kudos to Not Going Out, After You've Gone, and a forthcoming as yet unnamed bbc1 comedy drama set in Africa).

And a sloppy mention to my other half Zoe, who has really been the highlight of my year! Bleurgh. Okay, enough of my personal highlights.

MUSIC HIGHLIGHTS:
Rediscovering the art of a good cover version (ie. it doesn't have to be loud punk)
Michael Buble
Amy Macdonald
The Fratellis
begrudgingly acknowledging that both Amy Winehouse AND Girls Aloud have something to offer to both contemporary music AND my music collection
Apache by The Sugarhill Gang. Old but brilliant.

FILM HIGHLIGHTS (not necessarily all 2007, but most are):
Black Book
Tideland
Ocean's Thirteen
The Bourne Ultimatum
Atonement
The Lives of Others
Stardust
Beowulf 3D
Reign Over Me
Enchanted
Breaking The Waves
Mr Smith Goes To Washington
The Red Violin

FILM LOWLIGHTS:
American Pie Presents Another Bad Film To Sink Humanity Into The Ground
The Fountain
Captivity, Vacancy, and various other films that think torture is an acceptable film genre.
too many remakes/spin-offs/sequels - didn't rate Die Hard, The Simpsons, Shrek 3, Hostel 2, Harry Potter, Saw 4, Sleuth, The Golden Compass, Pirates 3...

TV HIGHLIGHTS:
Dr Who (the Blink episode - which was just the way a Dr Who episode should be. If you haven't seen it, see it.)
Heroes
Lost (yes, I'm sticking with it)
Prison Break
House
Jericho (while it lasted - one series, with maybe a reprieve for a few episodes of series 2 to follow)
Drive (while it lasted - 4 episodes - goes to show it's worth waiting for US shows to hit our UK schedules, rather than hastily download them as they air...)
Californication (filthy, but fantastic)
The Secret Millionaire (I think I cried one episode)
Cast Away (a guilty pleasure)
Live At The Apollo (a rare time that TV actually gets stand-up about right)

and finally a parting treat, cos there's bound to be one you haven't seen...

TOP 6 VIRALS:
In reverse order...
6. hallelujah chorus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D09DCZryG2U)
5. evolution of dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg)
4. will ferrell and baby landlord pearl (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74)
3. sam veale's brylcreem (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYTQKoJ1N8)
2. dramatic chipmunk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw)
and at no.1...
1. kung fu baby (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxAirY-5QCQ)

Happy New Year!