Stand-up & Be Recounted: Paul Kerensa

Belief-O-Matic

Interesting little site, for people of all levels of belief, from some to none. It's the Belief-O-Matic quick quiz about your beliefs and spirituality. It then tells you what religion you are. I had no idea, but it turns out I'm an Orthodox Quaker. Blimey. I thought I was liberal Anglican, free and easy occasional church attendee. I never thought of myself as particularly Orthodox, and I'm only occasionally partial to Quaker Oats. Ah well. It also reckons I'm 54% Mormon, which would mean I'm entitled to at least 2 and a half wives I think. So I don't quite buy it.

Go on, give it a go, and let me know if you're surprised by the outcome.

Here's my complete list:

1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (97%)
3. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (85%)
4. Liberal Quakers (77%)
5. Eastern Orthodox (75%)
6. Reform Judaism (75%)
7. Roman Catholic (75%)
8. Seventh Day Adventist (74%)
9. Bahá'í Faith (70%)
10. Unitarian Universalism (65%)
11. Orthodox Judaism (65%)
12. Islam (63%)
13. Sikhism (60%)
14. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (54%)
15. Neo-Pagan (47%)
16. New Age (42%)
17. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (40%)
18. Secular Humanism (38%)
19. Mahayana Buddhism (35%)
20. Scientology (35%)
21. Theravada Buddhism (34%)
22. Taoism (33%)
23. Jainism (33%)
24. New Thought (33%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (32%)
26. Hinduism (29%)
27. Nontheist (25%)

Derren Brown's a rotter

Anyone seen Derren Brown's new series, Trick or Treat? It's interesting, and not a repeat from Hallowe'en. The idea is that someone who's applied to the show chooses one of two cards: Trick or Treat. This, as the name suggests, means they will have either a nice treat, or a nasty trick. This has included waking up in Morocco, being given a split personality of a ventriloquist's dummy, and being kidnapped in a taxi. Only take a look at the image of the 'Treat' card, turned upside down...

It becomes 'Trick'! It's taken me 3 weeks to realise that. Ooh, he's a scoundrel. I had a Chinese takeaway with him once in my flat in Woking (I am such a name-dropper). He nearly convinced me that we should save the duck bones, leave it out in milk over night to create 'ducky milk', useful for rubbing into sores and wounds. I'm not gullible, but he had his 'believe me' voice on.

Incidentally, if you look up the word 'gullible' in the dictionary, it says 'See, it is here.'

I want to be a local resident compere

Nice to have a local gig, in Guildford, 3 minutes walk from my house. But frustrating that the headliner turned up nearly an hour late, and I was all raring to go on again (I'd been on first) with all the jokes I'd left out... It's half the job to prepare and psyche yourself up to going on, so I was more than ready to claim a portion of the headliner's fee, when in walks our headliner. Pah. How annoying.

So I'm all pumped up now, ready to go on a stage. But I'm at home it's bedtime, and I've got to be up early tomorrow to go add jokes to a script. I shall have to hope that the several beers I drank put me to sleep soon. That's right - I'm blogging drunk. Always dangerous.

I shall not disgrace myself on this occasion though. My main gripe is that I'd love a local regular gig that I can semi-residently compere. It's so valuable as a comic to be able to go to a nice familiar venue and be forced to do new stuff, or banter with the audience, and get to know them over several weeks and months so you can ply your trade in a nice, safe, forgiving environment. Trouble is, the gigs near me seem to prefer the flexibility of cycling more acts through the gigs. Annoyingly often the venues are keen for a local regular, but they use outside bookers and promoters who want to get their own acts into the spots. I don't want to have to resort to doing it, but I'm thinking of setting up my own night near me, just to give myself this chance to be resident MC. Seems a shame to set up in competition with other gigs just for this, but, well, don't say I didn't warn 'em...

Right. Abed. Must sleep fast. Which never happens. That thing when you say, "Right, if I fall asleep now, I'll get 7 hours. If I fall asleep... now! Alright, now! Now! Okay, now it's 6 and a half. Come on, now! Sleep! Soon! Please!"

A local gig and silly amounts of work

Ah, pressure. Pushing down on me, pressing down on you... It's the only way to work. I can't say no to people, so I've found myself writing 5 different sitcoms this week. There's Not Going Out, After You've Gone, I'm With Stupid, a new rappers sitcom and my own religious-based one for Radio 4.

Most importantly, as of yesterday I've had my BBC pass upgraded from a radio one (gets me into Broadcasting House in central London only) to a TV one (means I can have a wee in TV Centre and pick up a free Radio Times when I'm passing looking for random celebrities - I saw Nick Knowles last week, yeah off City Hospital and everythin').

And I have the joy on Sunday of a gig I can walk to. It's at the Electric Theatre in Guildford. Local gigs are great cos you can (a) get drunk, and (b) do local jokes that the audience get but the comedians don't. The number of times I've done a gig in Manchester and seen a comedian do 20 minutes of "Who's in from Chortlon? Hey, I've seen you random the back of the stadium! Have you seen that new corner shop on Oldham Street? It's a little piece of Wythenshaw come to Ancoats via Salford!"

And the audience will laugh like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard. Well now it's my go. "Who's in from Woking? I've seen you on the Hog's Back acting like Effingham was Farnham!" Hilbloodyarious.

Joseph and His Amazing Technique

Anyone watching Any Dream Will Do? The Joseph show, on BBC1 on Saturday nights. It's like The X Factor or Pop Idol, but for the role of Joseph in the West End, like they did with Maria in The Sound of Music last year. I guess they found that those who win Pop Idol or X Factor go on to be in the West End anyway, so they might as well not mislead them into a pop career and plonk them straight into a role.

Anyways, I'm following it cos I know someone in it - Daniel, aka Purple Joseph, is in the last 11 now, and every week he sings for survival and needs votes to stay in. So watch, call, and support him. He's a good egg and a great singer - last week the judging panel called him, "By far the best singer in the competition." So in theory he should do pretty well. But go on, give him 25p's worth of support.

The show is fronted by Graham Norton, contains lots of pretty young actors with waxed chests singing musical theatre numbers. It's the gayest thing ever. I'm quite enjoying it. Does this mean I need to question my lifestyle choice? Ah well, I close my eyes, drew back the curtain (ah-ah-aah)...

Pity people stuck with comedians

Week away in Wales. Climbing hills, walking up mountains, cycling in valleys, and generally being an alpha male. Grr. Was away with 14 others, many of whom I didn't really know too well, and so I found myself doing the classic thing of making jokes all the time to ingratiate myself to them. I ended up annoying myself with it. Someone would say something, I'd make a joke back to them. I was like a comedian who can't switch off - it's pretty sad really.

I think I only noticed it more than usual because to my normal friends, I probably do it as much but they know me well enough to just ignore me/not particularly humour me, and know I'll just get on with it. I didn't know too many of these holiday folks, so people actually laughed - whether or not it was just to humour me doesn't matter... the point is that I therefore noticed it more and thought, "Come on Paul, turn off the gags - you're not on stage now."

It's a bit pathetic really. I've seen these comics who come off stage and still crack lines like they're up there. Take a breather, please. Clock off. And now it looks like I've turned into that. Must curb myself.

Right, do like that Friends episode with Chandler challenged not to make jokes. No funnies for 24 hours. Unfortunately I've got a gig in the next 24 hours, so the people of Derby may have to suffer, but balls to 'em, I've a point to prove.

Comeducation

Today I go on "holiday" for a week or so of walking and cycling in Wales. Doesn't sound like a holiday to me. I'm bringing suntan lotion, trunks and a bottle-opener, just in case it suddenly turns into an actual holiday. Typically I've sat at home for the last week with no work to do, and suddenly I'm bombarded with deadlines for the coming few days, just as I'm about to go away. So I shall be tapping away at my laptop in a Welsh valley somewhere, trying to find wifi access. Not likely. One deadline's even for Saturday night, which isn't a prime working time at the best of times, let alone Easter weekend.

I'm going away with 18 others. These are muggles to comedy. They need educating. So while they're bringing bikes and hiking boots, I'm bringing a projector, my aforementioned laptop, and about 20 dvds. I'll show them recreation. Trouble is - I don't want to sound like a comedy snob, but they're more comfortable with My Family and My Hero than Spaced or Black Books. So I've packed sufficiently to educate them on a slow spiral towards my kind of humour. I've got some Fawlty Towers and some Blackadder, cos everyone loves that. Some I'm Alan Partridge perhaps. If we get adventurous, I've packed Arrested Development and Family Guy (maybe we'll get onto that by Tuesday). Then a few stand-up dvds - Tim Vine, Lee Evans, Eddie Izzard, Bill Bailey - all quite accessible and clean enough. So why do I have it in my head that they'll wish I brought Benny Hill and Some Mothers Do Have 'Em?

A Happy Easter to one and all who read this! (So a Happy Easter to one) - blog will resume in a week or so.

Fashion to the Future

Thought I'd post this article I was asked to write for fashion magazine All The Rage (www.alltherage.org.uk). It's probably copyright them, so (c) www.alltherage.org.uk - there you go. And do go see their site and give them custom if you're of a mind to. It's a piece on how fashion will go in the future, if we believe all we see on celluloid. It beginneth here...

If you believe Back To The Future Part II, in 8 years' time we'll have self-adjusting jackets. It's not that far a reach - wearable computers are here already. This thought occurred to me when trying on another shirt that I'd bought on a whim, in a rush, and without trying it on in-store. The receipt's in my wallet at least. In Hill Valley 2015, this wouldn't happen - they don't have wallets. Presumably then within 8 years, trousers will be
redesigned to not have back-pockets, and besides you won't need the receipt anyway because all clothing will fit. If all clothing always fits and can be re-adjusted at the touch of a button, there'll be a little less inclination to exercise - just push the 'increase body perimeter' button on the back of the clothing item, and it will grow around you.

Fans of the more gothic look can look forward to the 2013 leather fashions of Escape From LA, or the nomad chic look of The Postman that same year. Clearly the Royal Mail will have ditched their uniforms for a more casual outfit by then. This won't be goodbye to the uniform though, as just four years later in 2017 we've got figure-hugging orange tracksuits to look forward to (The Running Man), a full 254 years before they'd become popular, with a colour change, among members of the Enterprise.

Queues for these fashions won't be lengthy - by 2011, 99% of the Earth's population will be wiped out by a virus (Aeon Flux). However it is still advisable to order the season's latest styles early, as the human race will continue to flourish, thanks to mass cloning in 2015 (The Island). Thankfully if you wish to enjoy the skinhead rebel look of either the precogs in 2045 (Minority Report) or the lone soldier in 2179 (Aliens), the demand will be much less, thanks to the mass prison lock-up of 2019 (Fortress), and the survivors of that mostly being eaten in 2022 (Soylent Green) or killed in World War III in 2026 (Star Trek: First Contact).

All child sizes will become very hard to find by the following year, in 2027 (according to Children of Men), and that same year, swimwear won't be all that fashionable, thanks to another virus making the surface of the planet inhospitable (12 Monkeys). In the 2030s, the most fashionable look on the streets is going to be that gaunt metallic skeletal look (I, Robot), which will reinvigorate the debate about whether Size Zero models should be allowed on the catwalk.

As for colour, there's the sparkly garish phenomenon of 2263 (The Fifth Element) where the only fashions seem to be bright colours or to wear just white duct-tape around your appropriate areas. These are only outshone by the styles of San Dimas in the late 27th century, when we can look forward to spectacularly high collars and the odd sparkly hat. And in the nearer future of 2084, good news for all three-breasted women - finally your brassiere and dress needs are taken care of, though you may need to move to Mars for a full range of choices (Total Recall).

For the immediate future however, it looks like those self-adjusting jackets might just be what we need. The self-tying power shoelaces of Back To The Future Part II also mean we won't bend over as much - less calories burnt off, and with the rise of the Black & Decker Hydrator, pizzas will be the foodstuff of the masses as it's increased from the size of a coin to the 16" deep-pan before you can say 'Great Scott!' The future's bright, the future's rotund - at least until 3955 when we're all taken over by apes.

(concocted with the help of www.themovietimeline.com)

Drip drip drip

It's very difficult to write jokes when there's a hole in your ceiling dripping water. You don't have to change saucepans often, but you find you can't focus on writing funnies cos you're worrying about when the next one is due to be emptied. So it's been an unproductive Monday. I haven't broken any new ground, unlike my faulty power-shower, which has*.

*This is the only joke I have writ this April. I hope it gets better from here.